Conservatives Explain Why They Support Genital Inspections For Child Athletes

“Do you want the stuff about integrity in athletics or my darkest, most monstrous urges?”​

“It’s great training for the sexual violations they’ll have to endure at the college level.”

“I can’t be the only one who watches high school athletics and wonders what their dongs look like.”

“State-sanctioned groping by gym teachers is a small price for fairness in high school lacrosse.”

“Fewer kids will want to play sports, which is my son’s only hope of making the basketball team.”

“The boy’s soccer net is a holy place, and I don’t want it desecrated by a ball that was secretly kicked by a filthy girl.”

“It’s not about gender, it’s about the difference in speed due to wind drag from a labia versus a penis.”

“Getting your genitals checked before a game was an honor before the woke mob decided to politicize it.”

“This is the closest our school gets to allowing sex education.”

“The kids will be traumatized sooner or later in this country, might as well make sure this 6th-grade basketball game is fair.”

“If you can’t endure an invasive genital exam, you’re not good enough to win at state.”

“If another child beats my daughter at soccer without being accused of having a penis and subsequently inspected in the nude by a strange adult, my daughter will feel humiliated.”

“While the circumstances aren’t ideal, increased inspections will lead to a lot of important contracts that the community should be proud of.”

“Competitively, if your vagina is big, you have a different set of powers than those with more of an average-size vagina.”

“This is being blown out of proportion. These inspections would be performed by doctors, and doctors are allowed to molest children.”

“I’m going to look at their genitals myself so the pedophiles can’t get to ’em.”

“As a licensed psychotherapist, this kind of stuff is money in the bank for me.”