CHICAGO—Sending the region’s 68 million residents into a state of alarm, confusion, and panic, the American midwest was reportedly battered by beautiful weather Thursday. “We’re talking about unrelenting blue skies and a light breeze you feel gently on your face—trust me, folks, you do not want to get caught in this,” said meteorologist Phil O’Connell, advising midwesterners to take shelter inside their homes as the region was pounded for a third straight day by temperatures reaching 79 degrees Fahrenheit and wind speeds up to 5 miles per hour. “It’s been more than 115 years since the birds last sang so harmoniously, and frankly, I’m terrified. Close your blinds and stay inside. The American Red Cross will be delivering emergency supplies to those in need. We can only hope that conditions will worsen soon.” At press time, O’Connell warned that if the absolutely gorgeous weather persisted into the weekend, midwestern residents would be forced to evacuate.
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