Welland, ON – In a big win for optometry patients around the country, the nation’s eye doctors have finally come clean, admitting there is no difference between lens number one and lens number two.
“For decades, we’ve been asking patients to tell us which is better: one or two,” says Dr. Elizabeth Harper. “I’ve seen good men lose their minds in that chair, desperately trying to pick between two identical lenses.”
The news comes as a major relief to everyone who has questioned their sanity during an eye exam. If you have struggled to choose the better lens, you aren’t alone.
“Sure, one and two are the same,” admits Dr. Harper. “But there’s a real difference between one and three, and a big difference between two and four. Five is the same as one again, and six is the lens from an old pair of swimming goggles. Then seven is the one we always prescribe no matter what.”
So why the ruse?
“To be honest, we were mad that no one could remember the difference between opticians, optometrists, and ophthalmologists. This was our little revenge,” explains Dr. Harper, a leading optician, optometrist, and/or ophthalmologist in her field.
Indeed, it seems eye care practitioners have quite the vindictive streak. Other scams they’ve introduced include blue light glasses, the vision test with all the letters, and that machine that blows a puff of air in your eye.
“Blue light glasses are about as useful as an optometrist at an ophthalmology convention,” says Dr. Harper. “And we only make you read those letters to get you to spell out dirty words without realizing it. The longer you spend in the chair, the more we can charge.”
Despite the questionable ethical practices of big optometry ophthalmology eye care, Dr. Harper was insistent that ocular medicine is much more than an elaborate prank.
“Proper eye care is essential to the physical health and well-being of all individuals,” she explains. “That’s why all eye appointments are covered by Canada’s wonderful public healthcare system. Right?”
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