NEW YORK—Contradicting earlier recommendations on the proper amount of rest adults need each night, researchers at Columbia University released a report Thursday claiming that two hours of sleep was plenty for anyone who didn’t think psychosis was a big deal. “If you’re fine with completely losing touch with reality, then a couple hours of sleep is more than enough,” said lead researcher Dennis Bilbrey, adding that anyone who wasn’t bothered by the hallucinations and delusions that increase as their mind slowly disconnects from the world around them could get by on as little as 120 minutes of sleep. “Honestly, a brief two-hour slumber should be sufficient provided you can handle the constant jabbering of angry voices echoing inside your head. It’s ample shut-eye as long as you don’t remember how you ended up in a psychiatric ward of a hospital. Luckily, you should experience a great deal of memory loss.” Bilbrey added that if suddenly flying off the handle and killing loved ones in a murder spree brought on by their sleep-deprived minds wasn’t a deal breaker, then a person could probably get by with just 30 minutes of sleep per night.
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