INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning to regret his decision to work the event, National Rifle Association convention food vendor Tom Birkenshaw was reportedly being held up at gunpoint Friday by his 19th customer in a row. “What can I get for you—oh jeez, not again,” said Birkenshaw, who put his hands in the air as yet another NRA member pointed the barrel of a gun in his face and demanded a pulled-pork sandwich with no coleslaw. “These people are really starting to get on my nerves. Can’t they rob the hot dog guy instead? It’s exhausting making all these orders back to back, especially when I’m bleeding out. I’ve already been shot by three different good guys with a gun. This is the last time I work a gun show.” At press time, sources reported Birkenshaw had been shot in the chest after stating the only kind of water he had was bottled Dasani.
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