Philosophical Bachelor Party Celebrates Last Day Of Man’s Illusion Of Freedom

NEW ORLEANS—Growing more drunk and more reflective as the night went on, attendees at local man Benjamin Midwicki’s bachelor party Friday were reportedly celebrating the last day of his illusion of freedom. “Tonight, we’re going fucking ham in honor of your final day of freedom, if such a concept can be said to truly exist,” said groomsman Carson Davis, who raised his glass in a toast as the group prepared to enjoy a night on Bourbon Street downing hurricanes and indulging in the fantasy that is the self. “Trust me, after you get married, you’re not going to be able to enjoy nights like this one anymore, thanks to the chain of events that has been in place ever since the big bang. Cheers to a deterministic reality!” At press time, reports confirmed the stripper they had hired had rolled her eyes and added that obviously none of them had read Thomas Aquinas before.