Church Institutes Pitch Clock For Worship Leader’s Mini Sermons Between Songs

KNOXVILLE, TN — In a final attempt to rein in their worship leader, Knoxville’s Church on the Rock has instituted a pitch clock for all of the miniature sermons he tries to work in between songs.

“I just want everyone to take a moment to just posture their hearts – like, twelve seconds now, to be exact,” said Brad. “Okay, now let me just speak this word of just – crap, we’re out of time! Man of Sorrows, here we go!”

Over the past years, the amount of time Brad spent telling the congregation how to feel about a worship song began to exceed the amount of time actually spent worshiping. “Believe me, Brad – we get that it’s time to lay down whatever worries we came into church with,” said congregant Jared Taylor. “I love you, man. But we have to put you on a pitch clock. The keyboard player is getting hypoglycemic back there playing the same three chords on repeat while you read the entire book of Philippians between songs.”

According to sources at the church, Brad will be allowed thirty seconds between songs and twenty seconds for improvised expositions during an instrumental bridge. “Any infraction of going over the time limit will result in the sound guy turning Brad’s mic down,” said associate pastor Bob Howell. “Three strikes, we cut his mic completely and the backup singer takes over. We recognize the pitch clock may upset traditionalists, but this rule change will shave off about thirty minutes per church service. It was just stretching too long to keep the interest of the casual congregant.”

At publishing time, church leadership had also announced a ban on the shift between seventeen different guitar pedals between songs.

In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces:

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee