NEW YORK—Confirming years of speculation about how your closest acquaintances behave when you aren’t around, a report released Monday revealed that your friends do impressions of you behind your back. “Our findings suggest that whenever you’re out of earshot, your friends mimic your tone of voice and mock your odd mannerisms—often in stunningly accurate ways,” read a section of the report, which surmised that the reason they even spend time with you is largely to amuse themselves. “Even if you’re just in the other room, they’ll sometimes repeat back seemingly innocuous things you’ve recently said—like ‘Would anyone want to grab dinner?’—in an irritating, high-pitched voice, and then everyone will laugh and laugh until they’re clutching their sides and wiping tears from their eyes. Essentially, they make you sound like the dumbest fucking person they’ve ever met, and maybe you are, if you haven’t realized what they’re doing already. To put it bluntly, you’re a laughingstock to them and always have been.” The report added that many of your closest family members do the same thing.
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