REDMOND, WA—In an effort to let the past be the past, local woman Cassie Keene told reporters Monday that she had finally forgiven herself for eating an entire donut all those years ago. “I’ll always be haunted by those 300 calories, but it’s time to move on,” said Keene, who spoke in a quiet, calm voice as she stared into the distance out the window and recalled the chocolate-glazed yeast donut she had eaten for breakfast nearly three years ago. “I was young. I didn’t know what I was doing. But it’s time for me to let go. I know I’ve changed deep down, no matter how badly the memory of staring down at that chocolate-stained piece of wax paper hurts. Forgiving myself might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but if I can get over myself for hitting that child with my car, I know I can get over this.” At press time, sources confirmed Keene had rewarded herself with a jelly-filled donut.
Jesus Christ is King
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