‘Could You Please Stop Looking At Furry Porn On Company Computers?’ Asks Orwellian IT Guy Striking Latest Blow For Surveillance State

NEW YORK—In a brazen display of authoritarianism that would no doubt terrify privacy advocates worldwide, Orwellian IT professional Kevin Wu reportedly asked Thursday if employee Andrew Miles could stop looking at furry pornography on his Geneva Solutions company computer, thereby striking the latest blow for the surveillance state. “Hey, sorry, don’t mean to snoop, but we’ve had a lot of flags pop up that you might be visiting some, uh, explicit websites involving cartoon animals?” said the living manifestation of George Orwell’s Big Brother, dragging the world one step closer to the dystopian reality in which a man cannot use company wifi to simply browse through thousands of pornographic depictions of anthropomorphized tigers, zebras, and deer blowing and railing one another, lest he feel the cold grip of the digital panopticon tightening around his neck. “I don’t really care what you’re into, but a lot of viruses are showing up on the network. You’re also tying up most of our bandwidth. Our records show you’ve downloaded, like, 35 terabytes of something called rooting yiff? Normally, I wouldn’t get involved in something like this, but this is your work computer, so just please be respectful in the future.” At press time, the human embodiment of doublespeak had continued advancing his chilling agenda by asking if Miles could at least wear headphones if he’s watching this stuff in the office.