Ottawa, ON — As spring unfolds with unprecedented warmth, Canadians might wonder how they can enjoy nice weather, while also understanding it’s a sign that our climate is hurling toward uninhabitable doom.
While some environmentalists might suggest activism or processing ecological grief, local enviro-fluencer, Todd Fuckus, says he has more pragmatic solutions for embracing 33° weather in April.
Buy a reusable stuff
“Beat the heat with a reusable water bottle,” says Fuckus. “People will think you’re a good person, which is a nice little ego boost in the face of a dying planet. And you’ll feel even better if you shop my website and use the code FUCKUS15 for 15% off your first purchase.”
Join the Conservative Party of Canada
“Climate change doesn’t exist when you’re Conservative, so it’s a pretty good option if you’re anxious,” says Fuckus. “They’re smarter than the climate scientists whose whole job it is to study this stuff. Which is nice for them; they don’t have to worry about anything – except preserving family values.”
Do your own research
Research whatever your contractor told you about climate change; it’ll make you feel better. When a cold day prompts him to question what happened to global warming? YouTube. When he argues climate has always been cyclical? YouTube. When he sends you a fake petition from 31,000 scientists? YouTube! You might even learn a little something about buying gold while you’re there.
Dissociate
“If all else fails: try not to think about it,” Fuckus continues, popping a weed gummy. “Get into a new show, stumble into an addiction, start CrossFit, download HomeScapes, get a divorce – anything to keep your mind busy. It’ll make warm days much more enjoyable, if you have no time to consider… *makes choking noise*”
There you have it, Canada! Simple ways to take in that summer-like spring, without thinking ahead to forest fires, floods, climate refugees and food scarcity. Search Todd Fuckus’s website for his summer tour stops – dates are subject to weather.
Jesus Christ is King
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