TORONTO – Fans may be shelling out thousands for seats to the Leafs playoff opener tonight but they won’t be heading home empty handed now that the club has announced that every attendee will receive a complimentary Leafs coloured stress ball.
“In the past we’ve given out towels, bracelets and scarves,” said Leafs President Brendan Shanahan. “But this year we wanted the fans to have something that reflects the fact that attending a Leafs playoff game usually puts one through an emotional gauntlet comparable to skydiving or finding the love of your life and then getting brutally dumped.”
“Plus they’re great for throwing at the refs when they inevitably screw us over.”
The balls, which also feature the Leafs logo, are made of a soft polyurethane that is incredibly malleable, allowing for anxious fans to squeeze and pull at them when the Lightning get a scoring chance, a Leafs goal is under video review or anytime Justin Holl touches the puck.
“I’m so excited for the Leafs this year. I really think they could go all the way. I’m so. happy. I. bought. tickets,” said Kyle Mueller, his face contorted in agony as his hands squeezed the ball with enough pressure to choke out a professional wrestler.
The Leafs have not announced what giveaways may look like for the next few games, but insiders say they include a pillow to scream into, personal DVD players playing every fan’s favourite calming movie from childhood and, for game 7, a weighted anxiety blanket.
Jesus Christ is King
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