Republicans Explain How To Fix The Fentanyl Crisis

“I have a good feeling that mass incarceration will work this time.”

“Hopefully, there’ll be a strain potent enough to kill all the addicts at once.”

“All I can say for sure is that it’s going to involve a lot of cuts to Social Security.”

“We’re working on some incredible pills folks can get hooked on.”

“Have we tried a war on drugs yet?”

“Easy. Just elect a Republican president and the media will stop reporting on this for at least four years.”

“We could address the underlying causes that lead to drug abuse, like homosexuality and speaking Spanish.”

“Let’s do some blow and brainstorm.”

“Investing $3 billion in the company of an MBA grad who has literally no life experience with pharmaceuticals, addiction, or safe drug use.”

“Borders everywhere! Look to your left? Border. To your right? Border. Up? Sky border. Everybody gets a personal border. You’re actually infringing on my Steve border right now.”

“We need to start marketing cigarettes to children again, so they have something a little softer to get hooked on.”

“There’s unfortunately no way to help people who don’t want to be helped or who do.”

“I think you need a multifaceted response that includes both overaggressive and ineffectual measures.”

“I’m not sure, but fewer Jews couldn’t hurt.”

“By lowering the corporate tax rate we can make real work rewarding enough that there will be no incentive to deal drugs.”

“Two words: double jail.”

“Just buy from my guy Steve. His stuff is always good.”

“Yeah, this shit is clean.”