Ethics Complaints Against Clarence Thomas Force Comcast To Drop Him As Spokesperson

PHILADELPHIA—Announcing the company would dissolve its longtime partnership in light of the controversy over his fraudulent financial disclosures, telecommunications giant Comcast stated Thursday that ethical complaints against Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had forced it to drop him as a spokesperson. “It’s regretful that we have to part ways with a figure so familiar to TV viewers from his popular ads for our Xfinity-brand cable service, but Justice Thomas’ alleged behavior falls far short of Comcast’s standards,” said company vice president Leondra Scott, noting that production would end on the beloved commercials in which Thomas turns to the camera, smiles, and delivers his catchphrase, “Clarence has your back!” “We’re so disappointed to have to scrap the upcoming campaign in which Justice Thomas and Danny DeVito go on a road trip, but these gross ethical violations do not reflect our corporate values. We will be removing all the Clarence Thomas mugs, plushies, and T-shirts from our online merch store, and we will of course discontinue the Comcast-sponsored Clarence Thomas app. We hope one day to find a new representative who will come to be universally associated with reliable television, internet, and phone service the way Justice Thomas was.” At press time, Comcast was reportedly in production on a 30-second spot starring newly hired spokesperson Andrew Cuomo.