CHATTANOOGA, TN—Expressing disappointment over the amount of griping the role required, local rookie cop Mark Valerio was reportedly surprised Thursday to discover how much of his job was just whining. “I assumed when I took the position that it would be more car chases and shootouts, but in reality, my day really just consists of bitching and moaning about everything,” said Valerio, explaining that he didn’t expect to spend long hours complaining to superiors about things people in the community complained to him about. “Don’t get me wrong, there’s also some crying about how mean everyone is on Facebook, but the job is mostly grumbling. I also didn’t realize there would be so much walking. My feet hurt. See, there I go again!” At press time, Valerio was bellyaching to the press about how he was being persecuted for shooting an unarmed teen.
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