Authorities Report Increase In Threats From Any Slight Movement Out Of Corner Of Eye

WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans should stay vigilant in the face of the disturbing trend, authorities reported an increase in threats Friday from any slight movements appearing out of the corner of your eye. “Even if you see some sort of vague blur looming in your periphery, our data suggest that you are unquestionably in great danger,” said Department of Justice spokesperson Richard Kentley, echoing officers across the country who asserted that those who are armed should wheel around and begin firing wildly in the direction of such obscure menaces. “The perception of a small movement from the side of one’s vision is at the highest level since the 1980s. No one is safe. What’s worse, there are more of these small motions every day. So remember, if you see anything—literally anything at all, whether or not you have any idea what it is—you should call us up and we will dispose of the threat.” Authorities also reported what they believed to be a related rise in cracks of twigs and the rustling of leaves just behind you.