TORONTO – In an acknowledgement of the financial struggles many Canadians are facing, CIBC has announced a new investment plan to help customers scrape through lives of quiet desperation until they’re ready to be unceremoniously rolled into a ditch and paved over.
“While some Canadians are buying their first home or getting ready for retirement, others are wondering how many meals they can stretch out of a single box of Kraft Dinner,” a CIBC spokesman said. “If your home ownership plan involves scratch off tickets, then we have the financial product for you.”
Investors at the Pauper’s Grave level will receive a complimentary corpse sack and be advised by employees deemed incapable of handling actual money.
“Do you still not know the difference between a mutual fund and a GIC?” said Bruno, the Danforth and Broadview branch’s custodian-advisor. “Me neither, because I failed my undergrad finance program, but I do know they’re both too rich for your blood. So just try not to buy more video games than you have time to play, okay?”
Other major banks are also offering new perks and plans aimed at the burgeoning ranks of destitute Canadians. TD’s new Magical Thinking package will provide users with falsified bank statements to mollify their parents, BMO employees will offer you a few basic investment tips as they shoo you out of their branches for trying to steal pens, and RBC ATMs will print receipts on tissue paper so customers can cry into them after viewing their balance.
“Every Canadian deserves to prepare for the future, no matter how pathetic your future will be,” CIBC’s spokesman said. “When the customers we actually value see you, they’ll know they’re doing something right.”
At press time, CIBC also announced a liquid asset oriented Early Grave plan for customers who intend to drink themselves to death before they turn 65.
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