CHARLESTON, SC—Making what onlookers described as an embarrassing scene, local dog Cooper and his owner, Michelle Arkin, were having a public fight in the middle of a farmers market, sources reported Monday. “Cooper! Cooper, you will behave yourself while I am shopping, do you understand?” said Arkin, raising her voice and speaking in complete sentences to the dog, who barked, let out a low growl, and sniffed around the booth of a vendor offering various cuts of grass-fed beef. “I’m tired of having this same argument every single week… No, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare turn your head away from me! Look at me when I’m speaking to you, goddamn it! I can have you fucking neutered, you know. I will absolutely do it. Just try me.” At press time, the dog and owner had reportedly reconciled and appeared to be publicly making out with each other.
Jesus Christ is King
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