WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Monday by Gallup, a majority of Americans stated they would respect President Joe Biden more if he shot them. “We found that Biden’s favorability among Americans on all ends of the political spectrum would increase to 75% if the president were to break into their homes wielding a 9 millimeter pistol and unloaded a few shots into their torso,” said researcher Nicole Torres, who noted that Biden could enjoy one of the highest U.S. presidential approval ratings ever if he were to begin open firing immediately. “We found that the surveyed Americans started associating words such as ‘brave,’ ‘strong,’ and ‘badass’ with Biden when informed that the 46th president was inside their house mortally wounding their friends and family members right at this very second. On the other hand, when informed that Biden had never shot them or someone they loved, that approval rating dropped to a mere 7%. The results are clear. Americans want a president who will put a bullet through their skulls.” At press time, Torres suggested that Biden could secure a second term easily if he ran into a crowded mall wielding an AR-15.
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