COLUMBUS, OH — According to sources, local Dad Amos Bennet discovered he suddenly had the ability to read over 1,000 words per minute while reading to his kids at bedtime yesterday evening.
“Daddy, read FIVE books to me! FIVE!” demanded his daughter, Violet, apparently unaware that Mr. Bennet had no desire to trudge through five tedious children’s books in the evening after a long and frustrating day at work. “If you don’t read five books I can’t sleep! PLEASE, DADDY!”
Bennet realized something was different when he managed to plow through If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Frog and Toad Are Friends, and Migratory Habits of the Northern Saw-whet Owl in less than 2 minutes. “Woah, almost done already!” said Bennet while beginning Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus. “Are you sleepy yet, kids?”
Sources say 5-year-old Violet complained that she couldn’t understand what her Dad was saying and demanded that he start over. Mr. Bennet, however, had already finished his required allotment of 5 books, kissed the kids goodnight, and flopped down on the couch in the living room.
At publishing time, Bennet’s plans for a quiet evening were shattered when his daughter got up 37 times to say she couldn’t sleep and needed a glass of water.
14-year-old Amy knows what she wants in life: a permanent neck tattoo.
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Babylon Bee
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