Report Finds Encouraging Rise In Jobs That Involve Torturing Somebody

WASHINGTON—Noting that over 100,000 positions in the burgeoning sector had been added to the economy in the past month alone, a new report released Tuesday by the Labor Department found an encouraging rise in jobs that involve torturing somebody. “We’ve seen a massive spike in jobs that involve inflicting unfathomable pain on others, in both the private and public sectors,” said report author Paul Perez, who confirmed that the torment and excruciation sector was the fastest growing in the United States today, describing it as a rare “bright spot” in an overall uncertain, stalling economy. “This data can only be interpreted as good news. People want to love what they do, and the demand is being met. If you’re interested in attaching electrodes to someone’s most sensitive region or pulling a lever while watching someone writhe in agony, the sky’s really the limit for you right now.” Perez went on to state that, better yet, the torture sector was completely recession-proof.