SILVER SPRING, MD—Digging through case files for something extra tasty, the Food and Drug Administration informed consumers Wednesday that it could definitely go for evaluating a big bag of chips right now. “Oh, man, I’d kill to evaluate a huge bag of sour cream and onion chips or something,” said FDA agent Kevin Walters, holding his rumbling stomach and poking around the office for a better account, as none of his open ones sounded good at the moment. “Assessing the nutritional value of a new flavor of Doritos would really hit the spot. I could seriously go to town on determining whether there’s illegal food additives in a whole bag of those. I know I should check out a bag of spinach or a new apple varietal or whatever, but come on, tell me you don’t really want to rate the hell out of some sort of chocolatey snack cake instead. Would anyone split a report with me if I opened a new one? I’m drooling right now just thinking about delving into whether or not there are any cross contaminants in a Taki.” At press time, the FDA verified that pigging out on three party-size bags of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles definitely caused diarrhea.
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