Social Media Platforms Reassure Nation That They Only Selling Everyone’s Data To One Creepy Guy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to soothe public worry about how tech giants handled user information, social media platforms reassured the nation Wednesday that they were only selling everyone’s data to one creepy guy. “We know everyone is under the assumption that their private data is being sold to companies, advertisers, and even government organizations, but really it’s just one weirdo who sits behind a computer jerking off all day to everyone’s stuff,” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, noting that Facebook and Instagram along with competing platforms like Twitter, Snapchat, and TikTok all sell the data to the same skinny, balding man who never showers named Keith. “He likes to lick his lips and stroke his pencil-thin mustache as he looks through everyone’s buying preferences and geographic information. Of course, many are rightfully concerned about the exploitative nature of increased surveillance just by existing online, but if it helps, all your pictures are only going to this lowlife who prints them out and places them all over his walls muttering, ‘Yes, most delightful indeed.’ Your information is totally safe in the hands of this strange scumbag who is definitely on the sex offender registry.” At press time, social media companies faced backlash after the revelation that the creepy guy was Chinese.