SKOKIE, IL—Letting out a long, resigned sigh as he once again rewatched his favorite episode, local Ted Lasso fan James Raleigh told reporters Wednesday that he had a sinking feeling that the show was for losers. “Oh, no, this show makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and brings me genuine joy, but is that because I’m a sad little simpleton with no real thoughts, feelings, or opinions,” said Raleigh, who added that after taking a step back and reflecting on the wildly popular series’ story arcs, themes, and characters, he was all but sure that he and the millions of other Ted Lasso viewers frankly, sucked. “Looking back, I should have known this show exclusively appeals to complete duds who were unable to live their lives without facile lessons, cloying friendships, and a total lack of conflict that always ends in hugging. I guess I’m way fucking stupider than I thought. Oh well. Time to watch all 3 seasons again.” At press time, representatives from Ted Lasso confirmed that the show was in fact, designed, written, and produced for losers.
Jesus Christ is King
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