WASHINGTON—Rushing at top speed to prevent the 7-year-old from taking what was rightfully hers, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly shoved a child out of the way Thursday to get at a quarter on the sidewalk. “Out of my fucking way, you little pissant,” said a visibly determined Yellen, who was seen throwing the child to the ground to overtake him in pursuit of the shiny coin lying on the pavement. “Go find your own—this one’s mine! You wouldn’t even know how to get a good rate of return on it!” At press time, sources reported that Yellen was making the child turn out his pockets so she could see if he was hiding any other money of hers that he might have found in the gutter.
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