TORONTO – Still reeling off their astonishing come-from-behind win in Game Four against Tampa Bay, the Toronto Maple Leafs are showing renewed enthusiasm for the inevitable and complete collapse they will show during these playoffs.
“We’re feeling a really strong momentum going into Game Five to shoot ourselves in the foot and just let the entire post-season go to utter dogshit,” beamed Auston Matthews during the pre-game presser. “We’re not sure exactly how we’re going to do it, but you can count on us to drive these past few wins into the ground, embarrassing ourselves, our families, and our loyal, masochistic fans.”
Cautious commentators warn that it is still too early to tell if Toronto will utterly disintegrate as a respectable hockey team in the immediate next game or if they will survive to the Quarterfinals and fail there. Indeed, certain experts suggest that this team may have what it takes to go all the way to the final round before crumpling in such gut-wrenching fashion that the players are eternally ostracized from polite society.
“I know it’s tempting to imagine us imploding in grand fashion with the Cup on the line but we’re just approaching this one game at a time, watching for opportunities to embarrass ourselves period-by-period,” said head coach Sheldon Keefe, “I think you’re going to be surprised at the new and creative ways we’re going to fuck up in the next few games.”
Vegas oddsmakers are currently bullish on fans witnessing all kinds of profound errors, from own-goals all the way to literally tripping over their own feet causing domino-like concussions among the entire team. Still, those awaiting the near-certain self-immolation shouldn’t be discouraged if the next few games show a run of success and competence; an eventual fiasco of epic proportions is likely near.
“I’ve got a really great plan to just spontaneously combust during Game 4 of the conference finals. Like with fire and everything,” said goalie Ilya Samsonov, “I figure if the team is going out, let’s give the fans a bit of a show in doing it, right?”
With preparations for Game Five already underway, the team is encouraging fans to come and cheer for their hometown heroes as they hit the ice and probably have all their fingers fall off simultaneously or something like that.
Jesus Christ is King
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