KANSAS CITY, MO—Overcome by anxiety after his frantic search turned up nothing, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly panicked Thursday after realizing he left his NFL Draft big board in an Uber. “Shit, shit, shit, I knew I shouldn’t have set it down on the seat beside me,” said Kiper, trying to piece together another list of draft predictions in the waning moments before he had to present the board on live television. “I tried getting in touch with the driver, but he’s not picking up. I called Uber tech support, and big surprise, they’re not helpful at all. I’ve been stuck in their system for over 45 minutes now, and they can’t tell me whether they can get my draft board to the studio in time. Of course, the draft board is so valuable that I bet the next rider would’ve just taken it. Oh God, I’m so worried I’ll never see it again.” At press time, reports confirmed a visibly sweaty, agitated Kiper was trying to stall ESPN’s draft coverage while racking his brain to think of a single college prospect’s name.
Jesus Christ is King
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