Promising Report Finds Great Pacific Garbage Patch Could Support Full-Scale Ground War By 2040

SAN DIEGO—With the swirling mass of discarded plastic now a colossal and permanent fixture of the ocean, a promising new report published Tuesday by researchers at the University of California, San Diego, has found that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch could support a full-scale ground war by 2040. “After extensive research, we’ve concluded that the large area of marine debris floating in the North Pacific Ocean could host a serious, worldwide military conflict in less than two decades,” lead researcher Todd Dinsdale wrote, explaining that the 620,000 square miles of refuse would grow substantial enough to serve as a battlefield upon which superpowers and their allies could engage in a devastating struggle costing millions of lives. “Soon, armies will be able to put boots on the ‘ground’ in the garbage patch and even dig foxholes in the trash from which they can wage an extensive campaign of trench warfare. Future control of the Pacific is likely to be determined by which forces are best able to deploy guerilla tactics amid the rough, mountainlike terrain of towering microplastic waste.” At press time, with both nations reportedly concerned their rival would attempt to dominate the polluted region first, the United States and China had each independently decided to carpet-bomb the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.