WASHINGTON—Writing that it was incredibly hard to choose from all the beautiful work that had brought him so much pleasure, former President Barack Obama took to social media Thursday to release his summer list of favorite things to masturbate to. “I’ve read, watched, and listened to a lot of amazing things this year and wanted to share some of the ones that made me orgasm the hardest,” said the 44th president of the United States, adding that he hoped Americans would enjoy furiously pleasuring themselves to his favorite things as much as he had so far in 2023. “Abbott Elementary. PornHub has some really great stepmom-surprises-stepson content. Drone strike videos. The 1993 October Playboy featuring the girls of the PAC-10. The official White House portrait of Barbara Bush. Our beautiful National Parks System. Also, botanical gardens. And I might be a little biased on this one, but Michelle Obama’s feet as well as her book The Light We Carry. What do you have in your spank bank?” At press time, Barack Obama could not be reached for comment because he was reportedly hard at work lubing up his hand and researching the official “Barack Obama’s Summer 2024 Jerk-Off List.”
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