WATERLOO, ON ― As low-carb diets grow increasingly popular, a new calorie-free sweetener that passed safety testing this week promises to take the nutrition world by storm.
“This is a big step. Yes, we have other sweeteners, but none of them are perfect: some taste funny, some have been discovered to still affect blood sugar, some cause other health issues, and some are just too expensive.”
“Avengitol is a game-changer. In fact, if anything, the adrenaline rush and decrease in stress that comes with taking control actually help to accelerate the metabolism,” said chief developer Ava Lyons, a biochemist at the University of Waterloo.
The new compound is about 5000 times sweeter than any known sweetener to date. The developers are still streamlining the process of packaging it which currently requires the capture and distillation of the tears or exhaled breath droplets from, for example, a horrible coworker discovering that their lunch has been doused with ghost pepper sauce.
However, food developers are still excited by its potential, with reports that it doesn’t affect texture in baking, and works even better in dishes served cold, like ice cream. Furthermore, contrary to stevia, which is known for its unpleasant aftertaste, those who have tried avengitol praise its ability to actively neutralize bitterness and sourness.
“Avengitol is really cheap to develop, so we think that companies can begin offering more sugar-free products for equivalent prices. And since you can source it in so many ways, the supply should be quite stable. Not to say we’d worry about a shortage even if we relied solely on noisy roommates or neighbours who could use a blast of bass-heavy music around dawn,” continued Lyons as she rubbed at the dark circles under her eyes.
“Believe me, after yet another sleepless night, avengitol is a much better pick-me-up than a breakfast of highly refined sugar and starch.”
At press time, further testing had revealed that excessive use of avengitol could have severe consequences for other people, institutions, or general societal norms, but the same study also found that, in most cases, they absolutely had it coming.
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