CHARLESTON, SC — Local man Steve Rollins juked and spun his way past church greeters during a visit to First Baptist Church today, stunning church staff with his world-class elusiveness.
“Whoa! My vision is a little fuzzy – is that Saquon Barkley coming into church??” asked deacon Marcus Finn. “Man, that dude’s got moves!”
According to Mr. Rollins, his fight or flight impulse suddenly kicked in upon being confronted by a line of greeters. “That instinct just completely took over, and I started breaking ankles,” said Mr. Rollins. “Fear will make a man do amazing things. I want to give a shoutout to my introverted dad, and credit all the years of experience dodging greeters at Walmart. Walmart’s greeters may not have the numbers or passion that First Baptist does, but they got me where I am today.”
Mr. Rollins has reportedly been invited for multiple NFL tryouts after video of the incident began circulating. “You just don’t see that kind of desperation to avoid contact,” said Cowboys scout Leon Robinson. “Rollins showed great awareness spotting the greeters, recognizing the 2-1-2 formation, then displayed an incredible burst. What a spin move, and man – that stiff-arm on the old guy?! Dude’s an animal!”
At publishing time, Mr. Rollins reported he had pulled a calf muscle on his epic run, and would be submitting an on-line prayer request to the church in order to avoid any personal contact.
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