SKOKIE, IL—Rolling their eyes at the octogenarian’s exaggerated, feeble movements, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 89-year-old Melvin Dressel was being a little showy about how hobbled he was. “We get it, you use a cane,” said sources, who expressed their exasperation as they watched the osteoarthritis-riddled man slowly lower himself into his seat on the city bus, noting he was “really laying it on thick” with the hunched posture and short, shuffling strides. “Could he move any slower? Jesus Christ. Well, la-di-da, you’re old as hell, and your legs don’t work anymore. Limp some more, why don’t you? You know he’s just eating all this attention right up.” At press time, sources accused Dressel of being “a total drama queen” after he keeled over and died right there on the bus.
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