UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Offering no further data or reason for the information’s release, an ominous new report published Tuesday by anonymous researchers from an unknown institution just lists places to hide. “Underground tunnels, remote cabins in the woods unreachable by vehicles, and caves in desolate mountain regions are all acceptable locations in which to stay hidden,” read the foreboding report, which went on to state that hiding on an uninhabited island, in an abandoned building, or beneath a pile of corpses belonging to people who didn’t hide well enough were also good options. “Hiding under a bed or in a dark corner can function as an alternative if the person remains as still as possible and tries not to breathe. Basements and attics are only adequate as temporary places of concealment until the coast is clear and a better place to hide can be found.” The unsettlingly vague report concluded that no place was 100% safe and that it was only a matter of time until they found you.
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