The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ron DeSantis

A: Fuck you! Fuck you! I’ll kill you! Let go of me, you sons of bitches! I’m going to tear this fucker’s throat out with my teeth! This interview is over! I’ll destroy your life. I’ll kill your wife and kids! FUCK!

A: Millions of Floridians—and Americans, really—make a conscious effort to be racist every single day, and to only give credit to the system within which they function denies their hard work.

A: Young enough that you’ll have to deal with me for the rest of your life.

A: That’s a bald-faced fucking lie! Where’s your proof!? I won’t stand for this slander!

A: Not at all, friend! You’re my friend. You like me.

A: Well, my gender is fluid and constantly changing, so I just like to say my gender is me.

A: Oh, it is. That’s why I did it.

A: The Art Of The Deal by Donald Trump, but I can never say that.

A: Sadly, yes. Plain and simple, I got cucked. Brandon cucked me. That was a true beta move for me, and I’ll always regret being an inner libtard at heart.

A: At the time, I only knew Disney’s reputation for exploiting its workers.

A: I just like any fight between two awful entities where there are truly no good guys.

A: Probably a tie between getting eaten by a gator while selling knives for an MLM and effectively eliminating LGBTQIA+ rights from the state.

A: Yeah, I shot a kid right in the fucking face.

A: That it’s excellent practice for being president of the United States.

A: I am! I am!

A: I came up in the anti-elite hardscrabble world of Yale University and Harvard Law School.

A: Oh, jeez, you were in Delta Kappa, too, weren’t you? Long time, no see. You going up to the reunion next year?

A: I missed all the power I had to slowly kill people through bodily torture at Guantánamo.

A: Oh, that’s easy. Simply put, I’d like to exterminate the lesser races.

A: I’m considering it, but I need to be sure that I can really alienate voters outside of Florida.

A: Oh, please. I’ll never be half as charismatic or funny as Trump is.

A: I don’t have a spoon on me, so, absolutely.

A: Breitbart. Fox. Those newspapers at Disney World where you can put your own face on the front page.

A: OMG, don’t!