NORTH HAVEN, CT—With friends and family celebrating his storied life in the wake of his recent passing, sources confirmed this week that a local 89-year-old man left behind a rich history of processing and excreting nutrients. “Throughout his life, he almost never missed an opportunity to place food into his mouth, digest this food, absorb the broken-down food into his bloodstream, and later expel the parts of the food that his body did not use for energy,” read an obituary of the late Henry Wood, detailing how every eight hours or so, on average, he would find a way to locate and prepare sustenance to consume before passing it through his stomach and then his intestines to be secreted, most often, into a nearby toilet. “Henry’s time on this earth was filled with taking in carbs, fats, sugars, amino acids, and various other essential nutrients before voiding his bowels of the refuse. We will never forget how he bravely broke down food molecules to fuel his physical movements until the very end. For almost nine decades he did what he loved: chewing food with his teeth and shitting food out his asshole.” At press time, the family vowed to do everything they could to continue the man’s proud legacy of metabolizing and eliminating food products.
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