Supreme Court Once Again Interrupted By Clarence Thomas Receiving Live Cheetah As Donor Gift

WASHINGTON—Frustrations were reportedly mounting among his fellow justices Thursday when Supreme Court oral arguments were once again interrupted by Clarence Thomas receiving a live cheetah as a gift from a donor. “It is the court’s belief that the defendant—oh, come on, Clarence, really? That’s the third one this week,” Chief Justice John Roberts said as the marshal of the Supreme Court entered the chamber leading a 150-pound adult male cheetah, which wore an oversized red bow around its neck and a tag that read, “Love, Harlan.” “Can you get that thing out of here? Your cheetahs make it hard to focus on what the attorneys are saying. And don’t let it do its business on the bench. It’s impossible to get that smell out once it soaks into the mahogany. Please have your exotic pets delivered to your home like the rest of us do, or be like [Justice] Amy [Coney Barrett] and request that your billionaire donors pay you exclusively in jewels.” At press time, reports confirmed Justice Neil Gorsuch was furtively trying to shoo away the marshal, who was reentering the courtroom with a bird cage holding a rare hyacinth macaw.