We Are Post-Pandemic. We Are Immortal. Those Still Alive Cannot Die.

The coronavirus that spread across the United States and became a pandemic in March 2020 will go down as one of the most difficult times in our nation’s history. Nearly every American experienced significant disruptions to their daily lives, with financial issues and physical isolation often leaving permanent scars. It was a terrible time, and one we will never forget. Today, however, things are looking up. President Biden recently declared that Covid is no longer a national emergency. What does that mean? Well, I’ll tell you.

We are post-pandemic. We are immortal. Those still alive cannot die.

It is time to bask in the knowledge that we have defeated the feverish viral scourge. Go forth without fear, because those malevolent RNA intruders can harm you no longer. You are the chosen Americans. The virus has been banished from every corner of our great nation, even stupid fucking Arkansas, who never listened to me, and you have emerged from the other side as survivors. Join me in celebrating mask-less in a very crowded room, my friends, for nothing—nothing—can take your life now.

I’ve served in the American public health sector for over 50 years, and during that time I’ve witnessed many terrible health crises: Cancer. AIDS. Measles. The H1N1 flu. But coronavirus trumped them all, with over 104 million documented cases in the United States, although the real number is much higher. And why did the pandemic spread so quickly? Was it because we didn’t understand the disease, or because our healthcare system offers no safety net, or because we live in a culture driven by selfishness? No. It was because Covid was our final test.

Now it’s over. Done. Finito. Covid is over, and nothing can kill us again.

Run into traffic. Jump off a cliff. Try it! You won’t die. You can’t. You’re indestructible now. Pain and suffering can no longer find you, and the flame of your life force will shine eternal. Buy a gun. Load it with bullets. Put the barrel in your mouth. Pull the trigger. You’ll be absolutely fine.

Over 1.1 million Americans died from Covid. My medical opinion is that it’s great that they died. They died so that we all might live. Forever.

Don’t you see? Covid was our last earthly trial. I suspected that all along, which is why I initially declared that masks wouldn’t help even though the virus was transmitted through air droplets. I knew that our nation’s leaders needed to step back and let the final retribution take its course. That’s why, when I advised Presidents Trump and Biden—both of whom, incidentally, defeated Covid and now will never die either—about the disease, I emphasized that we needed to disrupt American life as little as possible, because I knew that once the coronavirus had culled the weak among us, it would leave only the strong, brave, and fertile ones left carrying the torch of civilization for all eternity.

Yes, my friends, we are the inoculated. Death cannot touch us. We have killed Death. Gone are the days of sorrow and pain. We will never see another fatal car crash, another pulmonary embolism, another triple homicide on this earth! Come, ye immortals! Strip yourself of your earthly linens and dance with me! I am nude before the swirling cosmos. Pour fire on my head, for it will not harm me. Join me now to sing the song of our everlasting life, of our ultimate triumph over sickness and the fragile corporeal human form! Praise with me that noble coronavirus for taking the weak and leaving us to inherit this disease-free utopia! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Also, people with so-called long Covid are lying. Get over it! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you besides a fear of getting out there and really living!

Live it up, you freaks!

The Onion