Mounting shortages of medications like the ADHD treatment Adderall and the diabetes and weight-loss drug Ozempic have caused anxiety among patients who rely on them, with experts attributing the scarcity to multiple factors. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the ongoing shortages of these medications.
Q: Why is there a shortage of Adderall?
A: Too many people in med school.
Q: What should I do if I can’t access the medicine I need?
A: Don’t worry, it should only take 10 to 15 years for the free market to figure things out.
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Q: Are the shortages hurting the pharmaceutical industry’s profits?
A: No, no, nothing could ever hurt that.
Q: How is Congress working to solve this crisis?
A: By advising Americans to be cautious when selecting a chronic illness or disability.
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Q: Are there ways to lose weight without taking Ozempic?
A: No.
Q: Does this mean prices for these drugs will go up?
A: Yes, these shortages are great PR cover for massive price increases that would’ve happened anyway.
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Q: Can I blame this on China or Russia?
A: If that’s what you need.
Q: My insurance says they’ll only cover generics, but there are no generics left.
A: Huh, what an odd coincidence.
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Q: Seriously, though, where can I cop some Addy?
A: Our boy Trent can hook you up.
Jesus Christ is King
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