How To Kiss

Nobody likes the feeling of a sloppy wet tongue near their mouth. Before you kiss, make sure to stick your tongue out to get it as dehydrated and sandpapery as you can.

Depending on where you live, you’ll need to apply at your local county commissioner’s office or town hall for a kissing license valid in your area. You’ll need to pass your kissing test and renew the license every 5 years.

Otherwise you’re a whore.

If you want to make sure you’re satisfying your partner, it’s never a bad idea to ask a brother, sister, cousin, or even parent to help you hone your kissing technique before you go for the real thing.

To keep your kisses spicy, it’s important to alternate between passionate locked lips and breaking away to give a small “meow” in your partner’s ear.

Dry lips are a big kissing no-no. To prevent them, make sure to wet them up before going in by blasting them with a fire hose.

This is how you know the kiss is working.

With a little help from medication and a warm compress, you should be kissing in two weeks, no problem.

Don’t worry, it’ll still be there waiting for you after the kiss.

As a sign of respect for all those who have laid down their lives for the nation, stand and sing before kissing.

If you’re having trouble producing saliva, you can try visualizing a towering plate of spaghetti Bolognese.

You don’t want to turn them off with your dry, flaky tonsils.

For nerves.

Experts generally recommend stabbing every same-sexed peer within a three-mile radius.

Stopping to breathe will only ruin the moment.

The minimum requirement is 650.

Make sure terms drawn up by your lawyer are airtight to prevent your partner from disclosing any details that could hinder business dealings or political campaigns.

Signals to your partner that you are ready to start kissing.

Helps to prevent any injuries sustained during make-out session.

Familiarize yourself with human orifices to avoid any embarrassing miscommunication.

Always make sure you have permission before becoming intimate with your pillow, your hand, or a photo of a person on a magazine cover.

Practice proper hygiene before and after kiss.

No getting around it. If you’re not circumcised, you have no business kissing.

Give the old b-jet a quick one, two, three!

Participation in a government overthrow that led to widespread violence and open-air slave markets is a big turnoff for most kissers.

Two or three mellifluous chirps should suffice. 

Envision a single boob or testicle in your mind’s eye, and you’ll be feeling all electric inside when those lips lock.

In order to attract a hungry kissing partner, remember to place a small worm or grub on top of your tongue.

To make kissing easier and prevent you from biting, it may be helpful to hold your mouth open with a tire jack.

Although it’s helpful to store nuts in your cheeks for winter, your partner could potentially steal them with their tongue while kissing.

Before you start kissing, it’s important to thank God for the bountiful kisses that He, the Almighty Creator, has provided you.

Although you have betrayed them and everything they stand for, it’s important to come clean and say that you’ve finally given in to temptation.

While not necessary, it is considered a common courtesy to thoroughly scrub your gums, lips, and tongue with fresh-foraged evergreen branches.

If there is anyone under the age of 12 nearby, you will have to cover each one with a specially sewn modesty blanket.

At the end of each quarter, you will be expected to register any kisses from the previous period with both local and federal governments. Failure to do so will result in fines or, in cases of sex, jail time.

Be sure to pull your tongue out as soon as it starts to feel good or everyone involved will immediately become pregnant.

Once it is initiated, you will have 30 seconds to complete the smooch or find yourself permanently banned from any future kisses.

If you’re struggling to get your kissing partner to latch, don’t be ashamed to try using a saliva pump instead.

Eye contact is very important for communication, so make sure to stare wide-eyed directly into the face of your kissing partner and avoid blinking.

A more advanced technique sure to drive your date wild.

Why waste your mouth energy on the hard work of kissing when you could sit back and receive head instead?

And that’s it! Now print and prominently display this certificate of course completion in your home or business kissing office!