CHICAGO—In an effort boost confidence and improve the overall experience for commuters, the Chicago Transit Authority announced plans Tuesday to begin hosing train cars down with fresh piss. “We are proud to introduce a new initiative that will see our trains become the most piss-drenched in the country,” said CTA president Dorval Carter, who was dripping with piss as he explained that this program would remedy issues caused by decreases in ridership over the pandemic, leaving many seats and large sections of the floor without puddles of fresh urine. “Early every morning, our workers will board trains with hoses and spray down the train cars with clean, hot piss to guarantee that commuters get the fresh scent of human urine on their way to work.” At press time, the CTA also unveiled ambitious plans to cover every surface of trains cars with fresh shit and puke.
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