MCLEAN, VA—Noting there would be no effect on the product’s appearance or taste, M&M’s announced Tuesday that 1 in every 100 of the company’s candies would now act as an abortion pill. “If you need to terminate a pregnancy in a state where it is legally impossible to do so, then, statistically speaking, you could just consume five or six fun-size bags of M&M’s,” said Mars CEO Poul Weihrauch, who confirmed that 1% of all of the company’s signature candy-coated chocolates contained a 200-milligram dose of progesterone-blocking mifepristone, which would cause the uterine lining of the M&M consumer to break down. “We can’t reveal the exact formula that makes M&M’s so irresistible, but you should know there is some misoprostol in there as well. We’re not even saying we’re pro-choice—we just want to be transparent with our consumers. If you’re currently pregnant and would like to stay that way, you can still enjoy M&M’s. We would just recommend you have no more than a handful or two.” At press time, Weihrauch added that every king-size Snickers acted as a powerful fertility drug.
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