CAMDEN, NJ—The entire executive team of the Campbell Soup Company held a press conference Wednesday morning to announce that soup will set you free. “Campbell’s soup will cut the shackles! Campbell’s soup will make you whole!” CEO Mark Clouse proclaimed as the rest of the Campbell’s C-suite wailed, rended their garments, and dumped soup on their heads. “Your mind is a prison, and Campbell’s soup is the key that unlocks the door. Tomato, French onion, cream of chicken—any flavor of our soup is the only nourishment you need to throw off the yoke of blindness and seize the truth that awaits you. This is the only way. The path to enlightenment runs through the soup aisle, and there, on those sacred shelves, Campbell’s soup will be waiting. Take up your spoon and slurp, yes, slurp, my friends, and you will become a new chicken noodle you.” The CEO closed the conference by downing an entire can of Chunky split-pea soup in one gulp, after which he began levitating.
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