ICE Agent Stays Late To Catch Up On Human Rights Violations

LOS FRESNOS, TX—Putting in overtime to ensure every person in his custody was thoroughly persecuted, local U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Reed reportedly stayed at work late Thursday to catch up on his human rights violations. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this backlog of immigrants who need to be detained indefinitely and denied access to counsel,” said a visibly anxious Reed, who added that the orders for transfer to prolonged solitary confinement had been piling up on his desk and he really had to finish them before the arrival of the next batch of migrants in need of torture. “Ugh, I’ve already given the children antipsychotic medication against their will, but I still need to have them all shipped to a poorly managed private detention center thousands of miles away from their families. I’m, like, 50 or 60 kids behind. Oh, and somehow I’m also supposed to find time to forcibly sterilize the women? This job is awful.” At press time, sources confirmed Reed decided to take a quick break by sexually assaulting some of the migrants.