SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The unnamed female CEO of Twitter has already announced that her first act as CEO will be to increase the Tweet character limit all the way to 1,000,000.
“Seriously, like, it’s impossible to say anything in just 280 characters, or even 10,000 characters,” said the new head of Twitter. “I mean, the other day I was trying to tweet something about how my sister’s boyfriend’s friends are the worst and every time they come over they leave a mess in the living room and I have to spend all afternoon cleaning it up with this amazing vacuum I got on sale at Target but yeah, they’re so rude except for that one guy Brett who’s actually kind of nice, but I used to date his brother so it’s awkward, and I don’t really talk to him except for the one time he came to take care of my cats because my Mom couldn’t because she was out that week on vacation and couldn’t help me because she said she needs to start setting boundaries and enjoying her life more and I’m thinking, seriously? Setting boundaries with your daughter? Is that even a thing? Who sets boundaries with their daughter? So I called my Dad and complained to him and he just said I was creating drama and I love my Dad, but UGH he’s not helping and I needed someone to take care of my cats so Brett came over and he was being so weird at me and I was like, why is he so awkward I only went on, like, 5 or 6 dates with his brother, like don’t be weird, but he took good care of my cats which is great because Whiskers is nice but Mr. Mittens is kind of a jerk to strangers unless you know exactly what ratio of dry to wet cat food to give him and if you don’t do it exactly right he’ll claw your face off, which is where I got this big scratch on my face, but it totally turned out ok and it was fine but I’m still mad about what my Mom said, like why would you say that? So anyway, then Elon Musk called and offered me a job! Yay! Hey– are you even listening to me?”
At publishing time, the new CEO had decided to change course and up the limit to 2,000,000.
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report.
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