In New Sermon Series, Andy Stanley Just Begins Beating A Bible With A Steel Chair

ALPHARETTA, GA — North Point Community Church Pastor Andy Stanley has announced a brand new sermon series in which he will forgo his usual preaching style and instead just beat up a Bible with a steel chair.

“I told you to un-hitch your faith from the old testament, then I abandoned belief in scriptural inerrancy. Now, I’m going to up the ante!” said the 65-year-old megachurch pastor as the lights went down and music played. “I’m about to finish the job–WITH A STEEL CHAIR!”

At the sound of a bell, Stanley then began smashing the chair repeatedly down on the open Bible on stage.

Sources say the crowd cheered with delight as Stanley then performed an elbow drop followed by a devastating piledriver to finish the scriptures for good.

“My church has to know that I’ll never let the Bible get in my way,” said a sweating Stanley after the fight. “If you ever quote scripture to me again, get ready for PAIN!” He then brandished the steel chair threateningly and howled.

At publishing time, what was left of the tattered Bible was hauled offstage on a stretcher. A fight schedule has since been posted on the church’s website listing upcoming challengers as The Dead Sea Scrolls, Foxe’s Book of Martyrs, and Jesus himself.

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Babylon Bee

Jesus Christ is King