OTTAWA – Officials at Carleton University held a press conference today, announcing their discovery that the long-thought-completed NHL playoffs are, in fact, ongoing.
Graduate student Jason Chun explained that the revelation came about serendipitously. “I was doing a little data gathering on various sports sites when I noticed frequent uses of key words like ‘Dallas’, ‘Vegas’, and ‘Panthers’, and I thought ‘Is it Football season already?’”.
“A quick glance at the NFL’s schedule proved that wasn’t the case. So I cross-referenced some of my gathered information with other data, ran a few calculations, some statistical analysis, and the solution hit me like a tonne of bricks. The hockey season isn’t over!”.
Chun’s supervisor was taken aback. “I have to admit when he came to me with his hypothesis I thought he was crazy,” said Dr. Huang Li. “told Jason I was pretty sure the season ended back at the beginning of the month. I said ‘Remember? We had finished up with our taxes, the pollen counts had started to rise and everyone was mad at Mitch Marner’”.
However, at Chun’s insistence, Dr. Li took a closer look and the data proved unassailable. She explained “I ran through some spreadsheet data and it became apparent, hockey has been played on a regular basis right into June! My mind was blown!”.
Sports fans greeted the study with excitement. Adam Durling of Kitchener said “According to their research, there was a Stanley Cup parade held as recently as last year, but I swear everyone I know can’t remember one past 1993!”, while Todd LeLane of Miami responded “Wait, hockey? You know there’s no ice here, right?”, and Aaron Dodge of Dallas added “GO COWBOYS!”.
Li and Chun are particularly excited at how their team’s discoveries could spark interest into heretofore unrecognized individuals. “We had long thought Mark Stone was lost to history, but it turns out he’s been playing hockey this whole time, and lots of it!”.
In closing, Li acknowledged that their revelation was bittersweet. “I just keep thinking about those lonely souls over at TSN and Sportsnet, dissecting every detail of icings, penalties and Tkachuks, while the entire country was completely unaware of their efforts. Also, Tavares really should move to the wing”.
Jesus Christ is King
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