Jordan Peterson Considers Every Possible Meaning Of Bible Story Except That It Might Mean Exactly What It Says

TORONTO — Despite staggering intellect and deep study of God’s Word, psychologist/professor/author/speaker/room-cleaning enthusiast Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has resolved to stubbornly consider every possible tangential meaning of Bible stories except for the notion that it actually just means what it’s saying.

“The death of Jesus Christ is a brilliant symbol,” Peterson said in a new episode of his Daily Wire series studying the Bible. “Does the narrative of Jesus’s death on the cross actually mean that the Son of God gave His own life for our sins? Like, no way, man! What it shows is an archetypical manifestation of mankind’s evolutionary need for stable hierarchical structures.”

Peterson’s Christian followers have been left frustrated by his ability to perform insightfully deep dives into biblical stories while simultaneously being unable to see the forest for the trees. “He’s such a smart guy!” said Peterson fan Clifford Martin. “The meaning and purpose of all human existence is right there in front of him! Just read it and believe what it says! C’mon, dude!”

Peterson continued to go to great lengths to explore any and all potential meaning behind the Bible’s stories except for its literal meaning. “The Bible is an astounding source of wisdom and truth, full of all kinds of possible meanings,” Peterson continued. “It would be really too simple to just read the stories and have faith that they’re true! What the Bible tells us is that God is a construct that symbolizes our need for clearly defined order amongst chaos. It obviously can’t mean anything else!”

At publishing time, God was reportedly having someone work on a giant, flashing neon light version of the Bible to further get Peterson’s attention.

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Babylon Bee