CALGARY – Ford F150 pickup drivers across Canada were pleased and relieved to learn that the electric version of the vehicle is even better at annihilating unsuspecting pedestrians than the traditional gas-powered model.
For years the pickup driver community has been concerned that electric models will be less of a danger to small children, the elderly, and basically anyone who flouts the natural order of the world by walking where only massive hunks of self-propelled metal should roam.
Fortunately, specifications show that the new pickups are just as huge as the old ones and will also prevent drivers from seeing anyone over the hood who is less than eight feet tall. Plus, the electric versions have the advantages of faster acceleration, being heavier due to the weight of the batteries, and – best of all – are much less noisy so pedestrians aren’t as likely to hear them coming.
“Look, there’s only one thing I hate more than hearing about the fake climate catastrophe caused by fossil fuels,” said F150 driver Gary Russell, pausing to cough up ashes from local forest fires, “and that’s people who walk on sidewalks in that hostile, anti-truck way that they do. So, yeah, I’m willing to buy a quiet electric version so I can sneak up on those bastards!”
Pedestrian crush-tests performed by the manufacturers showed the electric models had a higher kill vs disable ratio, and were just as effective in side-swiping pedestrians when taking a corner too fast in a crowded city.
Some drivers have taken a different view by questioning whether pedestrian deaths even happen in the first place.
“Pedestrians are another hoax invented by car-hating liberals!” asserted Floyd Minster from Lethbridge. “I’ve been driving F150s for 15 years and I haven’t seen a single pedestrian. I might hear an occasional scream and a thud, but for sure I never see anyone.”
“The only people I see when I drive are workers in second-storey offices.”
At press time, Tesla has confirmed that their new electric truck’s self-drive function will automate the pedestrian killing process.
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