Election Day: Alberta decides between a traditional conservative government and whatever the hell the UCP is
EDMONTON – The polls are open as Alberta voters consider whether to elect a right-wing party devoted to low taxes and substantial governmental support for the fossil fuel industry (the NDP), or to reelect a party that can’t talk about vaccines without mentioning Hitler (the UCP).
“This election is crucial to take back Alberta,” said Henry Jones, a member of the UCP who lives in Okotoks. “From… well, I can’t say who we’re taking it back from because then you’ll call me a racist, which violates my first amendment rights, but we’re taking it back from someone. Not us, even though we’re in charge of it now, but other people, people who scare me even though I’m so strong and brave and powerful. What were you asking me about? Taxes? Who gives a shit?”
Voter intention polls show that the UCP and NDP are neck-and-neck and the election will likely come down to a handful of votes in one or two contentious ridings, however the validity of those polls is in question because UCP supporters are less likely to participate in polling due to paranoia and a deep anger towards anyone who asks them to explain the reasoning behind their political choices.
“The UCP is a typical populist party in that they don’t stand for anything except the idea of taking a stand against anything that makes them angry and/or afraid,” said Professor Abigail Frederickson, head of the Faculty of Political Sciences at the University of Calgary. “For example, the trans community, education, and the general idea that the future is not going to look like the past are all things that are very frightening to UCP voters, and therefore the UCP is against these things.”
“If the UCP base ever develops an irrational fear of butterflies, or the UCP thinks they can benefit from fomenting a fear of butterflies in their base, you can bet the UCP will immediately argue for their eradication.”
“The Alberta NDP, on the other hand, they’re just, you know, conservatives. Yay oil, boo taxes, yay cops, boo spending. A pretty basic right-wing platform. The NDP only look left-wing compared to the UCP, who have moved so far right that they’re in what we political scientists call the ‘batshit’ section of the political spectrum. It’s where politics no longer hews to the classic tension between taxation and spending and is entirely about batshittery.”
While polls in Alberta are scheduled to close at 8:00 pm this evening, it’s expected that the UCP may dispute the very notion that time exists and that they are beholden to any type of international chronological measurement scheme.
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