‘Extraterrestrials Don’t Exist,’ Says Pentagon Spokesman From Behind Alien Facehugger

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There is no official evidence that proves alien life forms from other worlds exist, according to a Pentagon spokesman who gave a press briefing with an alien facehugger attached to his face.

“Extraterrestrial beings simply do not exist,” said Admiral John F. Kirby, spokesperson for the Department of Defense, with a muffled voice behind the parasitic creature clinging to his face. “Any insinuation that these creatures are among us or that the government has actively concealed their presence is completely untrue.”

Questions arose again this week after a whistleblower claimed to have firsthand knowledge of government agencies conducting operations to reverse-engineer wrecked alien spacecraft. While these types of stories pop up from time to time, DoD officials continued to flatly deny their veracity. “We don’t know where these conspiracy theories come from,” said another Pentagon official with glowing red eyes and a tentacle slithering out of one of his nostrils after teleporting into the briefing room. “There are a lot of crackpot stories out there. A bunch of wackos trying to get attention and coming up with stuff straight out of a science fiction novel. It’s all fantasy.”

Despite renewed interest in the claims, the Pentagon maintained a “business as usual” approach. “We’re just here to follow orders,” said another unnamed high-ranking military officer. “Whatever directions we’re given by Zorlon in the Alpha 7 System, we’re going to do it. I’m sorry, did I say Zorlon? I meant President Biden. Definitely not Zorlon.”

At publishing time, the Pentagon had also said no one should be alarmed at their online job posting for an “Experienced Flying Saucer Mechanic.”

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